Something changed today.
I’ve been rough around the edges since I got home from my seven-month stay away. It’s been hard to adjust — I let it be hard to adjust. I took my time to sort of wallow and wander, wondering, getting lost in being lost. I had no idea what I was going to do next (I still have no idea what I am going to do next, but it’s alright). I have been irritable in a way that I didn’t really notice; I’ve been holding a grudge against myself for packing on so much weight in Fairmont. I’ve been caring so much about all that time I spent being careless..But I spent that time being happy.
And I’m happy enough at home, there was just something…missing. Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t figure out why I was randomly edgy, seemingly ignoring all the great things I’ve learned about myself over the last seven months. I wanted to blame my current location, like I used to when I was a teenager, but it has nothing to do with that.
Today I sat on the bus home from my new job and something came over me like a spell. I started writing.
I wrote to myself:
Open your heart. Open your arms to everyone again. Aren’t you tired of being cold? You’re getting warmer, get warmer, spread warmth and love everywhere, radiate heat like it’s shelter, wrap around everything. Be crazy good. You are not crazy bad, bad-crazy, you are not neurotic, irritable, filled with rage, and regret is just a balloon you’re filling with flimsy memories weightless as water that could slip out and evaporate back into rain if you let it burst. BE emotionally intelligent. USE your intuition and TRUST your instincts. I promise your instincts trump your logic every time. Your gut is getting punches every day that you’re not feeling because your logic pretends that you aren’t even aware of the knuckles making dents. Your logic lets you live in well-worded, succinct-sounding, dependably-documented DENIAL. Let the air get knocked the fuck out of you. Look deeper, listen harder; you are not even listening yet. And the people in your life deserve for you to listen, to see right past their bullshit and right through them. You owe it to the people that love you through your darkest times to call them out, to try and inspire them, to fucking pull them up off the ground, to fill them up with energy and warmth
You’re getting warmer.
I don’t pretend to know what other people need, but I think that we all need to check in with ourselves sometimes. I don’t think that any of us can give up on ourselves. I don’t think we should let ourselves forget.
My journey is about writing myself love letters. I go through cycles that end with a note like this, a reminder as simple as that that changes my course. It’s all about telling myself what I’m going to achieve and then doing it. I AM NOT MY PAST. I am not even yesterday.
my journey is about remembering to love myself enough to properly love and cherish everyone else around me. I was doing okay, I was doing fine, but I didn’t see that I gave up on certain parts of me. I picked myself back up today, internally, and all day I’ve felt this passion and energy inside of me pushing right up through my body. I’m done with pessimism for a while; for right now, I’m done with negativity.
I’ll work on this because it’s only the most important life-long relationship I will EVER fucking HAVE: the relationship that I have with me.