there (in my heart

the chamber in my chest here)

and I’m so stubborn,

I’m so bitter,

and I never look back

usually for

years)

so I’ll fill it with cement

in my acetaminophen dreams,

wondering, wishing, waiting

for an existence evaporated, steam

I’m irrational, it’s almost laughable,

in my brain I’m like a patient, but I’m

so impatient of myself, I’m impossible,

and then there’s the scared bits, illogical,

the paranoia, about what they all think —

but why call it paranoia, when it’s

a feeling I get because the minute I blink

I miss it, I slip in it, my fears come true,

they leave when I’m sad, think it’s unfair

when I know I’m allowed to be mad -

it’s just like springing to life, every nightmare,

and the whispers carry in the air behind me,

because of a lack of understanding had,

and I know it, and I can clearly see

that I wouldn’t get it either without the bad,

but now I sit and picture everyone on a stage

and me with my heart on the line,

my life in a cage, my words on the page,

my body’s rebellion and rage;

the thoughts are back,

the ones that I swore were just some stressful phase,

that’s not me, my thoughts don’t sway

that far into dangerous decay,

but they’re back, baby,

I’m back

fate, the decisions of chance

let you shut the door,

you let me dance,

jump through hoops,

was it enough for him?

is this enough for you?

am I enough for you?

and I wasn’t

but I will be

for somebody.

I deserve to be

(not everyone will

have that effect on me,

make me feel like I’m crawling

through the fire of my own insecurity

trying to be

enough,

as if I should wait around for things to grow,

in dead gardens with all the beauty sucked out

where the owner should have known,

he chose the garden, planted the seeds

waited to love what he started, visual treats,

the air in spring, the meaning in the morning,

looking to see your product as a gem,

glistening from its shining stem,

‘cause anyone can find stones

but if you don’t cherish someone,

just fuck off and

be alone)

and they’ll say it’s karma,

but I know it’s just learning, 

‘cause life doesn’t work like that

with embedded systematic karmic payment programs concerning deserving

and oh, (I know that words can

twist the situation off, no safety cap,

all I see is the white in my hand,)

oh,

there’s a crack