the chase is all you really know

when you shoot, don’t miss your shot.

I stopped running months ago,

slowed down, started to walk

it scared me too.

the more unconventional the better

that’s me — communication with thunder

I never wanted normal, ever,

but then I started to wonder,

with you.

what was it like to hold onto something

and not wait for it to dissolve in my hands?

was it like wringing water out of the waves,

staying rooted in the slowest quicksand?

I still have no clue.

wondering turned me into something I’m not,

a typical construct worrying about ‘you’ and ‘me,’

waiting for you to forget what you eventually forgot,

trying to guard my rationality, intellectual sovereignty

I started to lose.

I think what happened, I’ll never know,

my feelings got more concentrated with time;

your feelings changed and mine started to grow.

you were linear, moving backwards on the line.

I think that’s true.

I’m left wanting to apologize for all the games,

but it’s not my fault and it’s not yours

it’s nobody’s fault but it hurts just the same

the river ran dry and I still wanted more

so what did I do?

I realize that this is more about pride

you invaded my ego, a colony;

take me away with the tide,

colonize my personality

tighten the screws.

I loosen them now; this isn’t me,

there are so many damn fish in the sea,

people on the land walking free,

and so many monkeys in the trees.

and just one you.

I want to say that I hope you find

beauty and depth in how you explore,

experience, expand your mind

and maybe end up back at my door,

some day soon

but I just don’t want you in my head anymore.

it’s hard for me to say, I’m hesitant

I’ll rip up the foundation of these floors

it’s just real estate, you were the 1 percent 

I’m building something new

I’m building something new

I’m choosing to.

there (in my heart

the chamber in my chest here)

and I’m so stubborn,

I’m so bitter,

and I never look back

usually for

years)

so I’ll fill it with cement

in my acetaminophen dreams,

wondering, wishing, waiting

for an existence evaporated, steam

I’m irrational, it’s almost laughable,

in my brain I’m like a patient, but I’m

so impatient of myself, I’m impossible,

and then there’s the scared bits, illogical,

the paranoia, about what they all think —

but why call it paranoia, when it’s

a feeling I get because the minute I blink

I miss it, I slip in it, my fears come true,

they leave when I’m sad, think it’s unfair

when I know I’m allowed to be mad -

it’s just like springing to life, every nightmare,

and the whispers carry in the air behind me,

because of a lack of understanding had,

and I know it, and I can clearly see

that I wouldn’t get it either without the bad,

but now I sit and picture everyone on a stage

and me with my heart on the line,

my life in a cage, my words on the page,

my body’s rebellion and rage;

the thoughts are back,

the ones that I swore were just some stressful phase,

that’s not me, my thoughts don’t sway

that far into dangerous decay,

but they’re back, baby,

I’m back

fate, the decisions of chance

let you shut the door,

you let me dance,

jump through hoops,

was it enough for him?

is this enough for you?

am I enough for you?

and I wasn’t

but I will be

for somebody.

I deserve to be

(not everyone will

have that effect on me,

make me feel like I’m crawling

through the fire of my own insecurity

trying to be

enough,

as if I should wait around for things to grow,

in dead gardens with all the beauty sucked out

where the owner should have known,

he chose the garden, planted the seeds

waited to love what he started, visual treats,

the air in spring, the meaning in the morning,

looking to see your product as a gem,

glistening from its shining stem,

‘cause anyone can find stones

but if you don’t cherish someone,

just fuck off and

be alone)

and they’ll say it’s karma,

but I know it’s just learning, 

‘cause life doesn’t work like that

with embedded systematic karmic payment programs concerning deserving

and oh, (I know that words can

twist the situation off, no safety cap,

all I see is the white in my hand,)

oh,

there’s a crack

and I couldn’t sleep last night remembering us.

I was remembering all the official words,

like your lips were peeling pages of a thesaurus.

and now I can’t remember what to remember,

what to recall when I want to reminisce,

because it always comes back to a story

about a 17-year-old girl you once kissed.

I wish I could feel you through the distance,

but I can’t get through the twisting sphere

of punctured spaces and waves between us,

knowing it would be different if you were here.

but then I remember the red in your eyes 

when you realized you’d have to leave,

and I remember the three hour drive,

you took to say goodbye on the eve

before your plane left, and we’ve

just drifted by being apart now,

I wish I could know somehow,

if I’m doing the right thing,

or if we were the right thing.

my initial impression of you:

you seemed to be your own fire,

electric, something else entirely,

but my mind was somewhere outside me.

the second time, you sunk in

you were a phenomenon,

but there was traffic in my mind,

wasting time (but is there such a thing as wasted time,

for we learn so much, and touch so much and lose trust but we push through the lust when it’s enough and we finally see)?

repeat after me,

I see, I need, I believe,

in my heart, in my brain

my favourite part of this game

it’s a bird, it’s a plane,

I’m huffing like a train,

and I know it’s just me

I know that I am free

but I’ve got you with me

and it’s not hard to see

that this is gonna be

something kinda like love;

reach for the stars,

over the fence,

world series kinda stuff.

to feel like I’m being shown off,

like I’m the diamonds slicing

the ears of a wealthy woman,

with a smile so rich and inviting.

you treat me like I’m something new,

I’m my own species, display at the zoo,

something that’s never happened to you.

but I still just feel like the flattered fool,

starry-eyed, slippery, spinning,

wild smile, wide smile, I’m grinning.

feeling idealistic; realism can feel like sinning.

the sky only drips romantic rain, spitting,

the stressed out leave bad jobs, quitting,

the kids can all find playgrounds, swinging,

and the birds lace up their wings, stringing

wings swinging, thick clouds are thinning,

and aint it something?

when you talk, your mouth overflows, filling,

and your words stay in my head, ringing.

now I’m just trying to stop myself from staring,

looking down at the curves of your lips

sitting on the couch with your hands on my hips,

your words can slick the room as they drip,

they can grip me as they slip out in ticks,

did I pick you? did you pick me, this

is like waiting for a movie twist,

‘cause I’m only direct in shifts,

and sometimes my opinion splits,

swift then drifts and sifts, gets snipped,

rationality always wields a whip,

and I get knocked off this ship.

in the muddy waters after I trip,

I’m flipped, I’m back to thinking of this,

as something I need to avoid before I slip,

before I fall, before I slip,

before I’m stuck, before I slip,

before I’m attached, I’ll slip up,

I’ll trip up, I’m no good, you’ll rip,

you’ll break, you’re not real,

this is all fake, this, this, this…

-

our movements are small,

I don’t care at all,

that’s why I’m here,

and it’s all pretty clear

until I walk out the door

and I can’t feel you anymore

but then I think of the moments

and all the components

that make me want to be

in your vicinity

I need to be, I need to be

with you, I need to be,

I can still be free,

the theme prevails with

you and me,

I’m overwhelmed, the ultimate

telepathic lust, brainwashed, favourite,

I’ll set the date, save it, I’m not ready yet,

self-control, train it, trained it, training it,

what we are, I’m naming it, one day I’ll shout it,

no more rain checking it, raining out on it,

suffering through the silence, sliding through it,

I can be something I assume I’m not about,

I’ll be weighted down flying, but I’m en route

I’ll get there, I really want to, I wanna do this

right, that’s it, right there, like tag, you’re it,

classic, I’m spastic, I’m crashing, I’m floored,

I’m coming down, I’m on the ground, next to the door,

but I’m not gonna use it, I’ll stay. I’m yours.

it’s all a rollercoaster race track

running through my head

and I’d rather be dead

can I take this back?

reversestopstalldelete

stopreversestopstalldelete

take me home,

where I can be alone

and buzz with the walls

I need to stop, time needs to stall

in the mirror, lather, rinse, repeat,

from my hands down to my feet

it’s clear but everything else here

is spinning and dripping like smeary tears.

and everything’s so fast, even when I look back

like heartrate lines cringing colours against a screen in black;

a comic book cartoon with a laugh track when it’s funny

where I’m the blurred focus, a buzzing bee looking for honey.

reversestopstallpressdelete

reversestallstopdeletedelete

but the comfort of your hug is all I need

and talking is all that I need, feed me—

feed me love and light and laughter

feed me now, lead me now, lead me how,

tear me out, feel me out, hear me out,

can we meet, dance in our seats,

dance to these beats,

dancing’s a treat

dancing retreat

control alt delete

let’s start again

and look back with grins

undobackspaceredoundodelete

deleteundodepleteundoredo

like memories on speed

likememoriesonspeed

and when you dream that way,

it just seems to rip at the seams that way;

I wanted that control so badly.

I wanted to tear out pieces of him and inject them into my skin,

a booster, a chemical, something I needed sadly —

but he couldn’t possibly need it, he’s not real,

none of them are real I feel,

they’re just part of my Dionysian world,

I break them into a million pieces and they become

so beautiful,

an ornament,

a place for me to rest my eyes,

and the sight empowers me,

and

in those moments

I’m just so alive.

but now I’m running home, a sprinting tomb,

running to a place where I’m not alone,

where I’ll let someone else make me feel

home, and I can no longer postpone it,

Apollo invites me in to own it,

he’s tying me to a big red cone,

and for some reason, even though it’s not just me

I feel free.

I only see god in the alignment of your smile,

and that’s only when you’re here in front of my face.

If I could sail over waves like crevices in teeth, I’d be there

so close to what was my savior, my sign of singing grace.

when you’re gone, it’s like you don’t exist at all.

and it’s not like the wind, the cool air in fall,

— you can’t see it but oh, you can feel it —

no, when you’re not here I can’t feel you at all.

you’re just a vague presence in a different dimension,

my perception of the past is clear but I’m lost in the present

and I’d paint your pieces into reality with the best intentions,

but would you still be part that perfect circle, an endless crescent? 

‘cause I can tell myself a million times over,

that you’re the one who’s meant to teach me

how to realize that I could actually be a lover,

but could I really be? when I’m so mean to me?

I would have worshiped you once, but I just feel,

I’ll know it when I see it, I’ll know you when I see you,

I’ll touch you to feel, and once again you’ll be real,

I’ll see you when I see you, kid.

i can make it rain with my tongue, i can wave words like flags of manipulation

i could make you bow down and surrender, i could probably tear down anyone.

the thunder comes and the bombs go off, like action movie entertainment,

and i wish i had ascribed to the theory of containment.

fill up the boundaries, the ventricles, the space

of an formerly empty, cynical place —

that rock inside my chest, that area devoid of rest,

tasting a lack of hope and interest.

you’re doing what i always knew you’d do one day

— i knew you would despite these petty years apart

i knew you would after the first night we met  —

you’re starting to fill my heart

and i’m not ashamed to admit it. he’s so fucking amazing.

i can see the future

branching out in a single moment.

-

when i was 17 it was that

i’d get addicted to him,

and on a curb i sat

with my heart sewn in

sucking on a cancer stick

and knowing he was done with it

i filled the cracks inside

with outward acts of pride

but it was just disguised darkness

and i became heartless

-

when i was 18 it was that

i didn’t really think i’d ever

develop the feelings that

people usually discover

when, in a first relationship,

they hold each other

i found monogamy decrepit

something born to smother

and he was who i thought he was

who i wrote that he was

i was right and i saw it 

coming for us

-

when i was 19 it was that

i’d scare you away

the translation of all

my current mistakes

like a projector on the wall,

from you i’d take

a vision of me you let crawl

into you head, shake it off

and i’d lose my self control

i knew it would happen

deep in my soul

-

and now i’m 20

and all that’s left to learn

is the needed submission,

to give into my intuition

i was caught up on you, like a disc stuck trying to run through the spectrum of sound,

playing over and over, but i couldn’t see you,

clouded perception, beats spinning around

and for now

just feel

it slide over me

let the music play with my mind

that’s all i need

- -

i won’t come back for you,

never came back for you.

instead i let the music get me high

(it pushes and pulls my thoughts aside)

i don’t know how lost i can get 

before it pushes me too far

but i know i don’t have to wonder

where you are

and miss out on life,

hiding behind blinds,

waiting for you to walk by

- - - 

what you are will never be repeated,

what you were to me will never happen again

i’ll let the tigers rip me apart and devour me whole

before that happens, and no one will know

(the beasts will know in their rusted smiles

that they have won me over,

that i play for their side

come this way, red rover)

-

before i would have made the run for it

i would have leaped through that bond of

arms, mighty forces telling me not do it

woulda plowed through, against the odds.

-

“against all odds” creates delusions,

disillusionment, “romance,” dreams

never let it be your mind’s intrusions

it’s wasted thread in the ripping seams

- - - - - - - - - - - 

stop trying to rhyme, your hands are br-ea-king

from the very attempt

this is what you want to say

but contrived

and the radio is melting out words,

romance-words,

sung by day-dream-ers,

painting pictures and worlds

but then come the tigers;

their virgin stomachs stir

and they breathe fire

called dis-ill-usion-ment

- -

there’s a reason they exist,

the musical piece(s) drenched in drunk-love-liquored happiness,

the ode(s) to whiney drunken pangs of angst,

the song(s) about what comes, of the sadness

- - -

and i’ll live forever in a song of my own,

and you’ll appear in some of the verses without my knowledge

an allusion to your being, a subtle hint i can’t detect,

like little beeps on a heart monitor’s screen

and i can feel it in my whole body,

shivers that convey the feeling

from which everyone will suffer at least once

some people die from a case of it,

or maybe that only happens in country

songs

about whiskey

lullabies

and disillusionment

forces ate the world into looking the way that it does now

with its continents all spread out

-

i remember walking past the room vibrating with desperate pleas;

i took my shoes away amidst the hurricane of shouts.

upstairs someone was begging, down on their knees

and my parents were just a couple of sharks

i slipped off the roof and ran away,

lay on the cold ground in the dark and

nothing would ever be the same,

and it never was

but it never had been.

the only constant was inconsistency,

but at least it wore a mask in between.

-

his car pulled up and i got in without a word,

i remember the bridge and the open fields of grass

i don’t remember where we went, just what i heard

complete silence infested the air, we were encompassed

-

when i got home she called off the search party she had begun

so the house sighed and fell asleep

i still wanted nothing but to be able to run

the voice of myself as a child whispering to me

i’m going to pack my barbies and just become

my own family, i will be my own family,

i never did but i was done

with being part of the mess of the world,

the tectonic forces that split through a young girl,

and i had become

one.